Haunted By My Past
Flashbacks are hurting my current relationship.

By Anonymous

Names have been changed.

After about a year of dating my boyfriend, Kevin, I began to have frightening flashbacks of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Since the flashbacks started, I’ve been uncomfortable having sex with Kevin. I’ve even started feeling threatened and victimized, the way I felt as a child, even though Kevin is not abusive toward me.

I never truly enjoyed sex, but after the flashbacks began, I started to feel as if I wasn’t even in the room anymore. I felt like a doll being rocked back and forth in a cradle while Kevin had sex with me.

It reminded me of my father molesting me as a child. I wanted to tell Kevin, or stop having sex with him, but I was afraid he wouldn’t understand.

Trying to Tune Out

In order to ignore my complicated feelings, I went back to the trick that kept me sane during the abuse: I detached my mind from my body.

I would tune in to the first time we met when he was just another face and remember how, after five years, he started showing interest in me and we began dating. I would romance about our relationship in my mind as if everything was going great between us, just to get through.

I don’t know if the flashbacks led us to have problems, or if I started having the flashbacks because we were already in conflict. Whatever the case, we were having conflicts about control, and for me to be able to stand having sex, I have to be in control.

Haunted by Abuse

It’s been six years since the judge granted me an order of protection from my father, but any reminder of his presence still alarms me. Memories of the abuse he put me through haunt me.

Sometimes I get nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, or I get flashbacks when I’m in the shower or when I’m rubbing lotion against my skin. I feel really nervous and uncomfortable touching myself even in these minor ways because painful memories come back.

I remember one dreary evening waking up to the heavy scent of tobacco (my father was a smoker), though no one was in the house at the time. I felt his presence nearby.

My skin began to crawl and horrible feelings of my father depriving me of my childhood tormented me all over again. I cried, holding my underwear tightly against my skin. I wanted my virginity back.

I hated him for abusing his role as a father. He was supposed to be a male figure that I could trust and turn to. I hated my sexuality. I was angry at the world for what had happened to me.

Protecting Myself

When I became a teenager, memories of the abuse led me to grow protective of my body. I hated getting attention from men. I kept myself covered up to avoid any boys piercing their eyes at me.

When shopping for clothes, I made sure that nothing I bought was too revealing. No v-neck blouses, spaghetti straps, halter tops or short skirts. I would be the only fool wearing a black denim jacket while roasting in 90 degree weather.

I feared that by attracting attention from men I would be putting myself in danger. I was very cautious about the message I was sending.

Playing the Dominant Role

When Kevin and I started dating, he was shy and very respectful. I’d never met anyone like him before. It took him months to have the courage to kiss me.

He also gave me full control over our relationship, which was something I wasn’t always used to. At times I would yell at him just because I could, and he would start crying. He’d get worried when he did things to upset me.

I smiled at this advantage behind closed doors. It felt good playing the dominant role in a relationship. I teased him and made him feel guilty if I didn’t get my way.

I did these things because a part of me wanted revenge. I felt every man deserved the mighty strike of a woman’s wrath. All my life I’d been surrounded by male figures like my father and uncles who would physically and sexually abuse and control their wives and, in my father’s case, his children, too.

Feeling Like A Victim

Eventually, Kevin caught on to the idea that I was taking advantage of him and grew tired of me always having things my way. He didn’t want to continue a relationship where he felt I was walking all over him.

Kevin wanted me to stop taking advantage of his kindness, so he started to yell and argue with me. But I was so fearful of losing control that I was willing to fight for my advantage. Our problems only escalated.

Now, my feelings of fear and detachment have come back. I don’t know if that’s the cause of our fights or the result of them. But once again I feel like a victim, taunted by my past. I hate that I feel this way.

Out of Control

Many times when I felt Kevin was trying to take over, I would get nervous and show off by proving to him who was boss. When I yelled at Kevin, I was yelling at him and my father—any man who tried to manipulate me.

Soon we were arguing non-stop. On the phone, especially, we exchanged curses and insults. Sometimes he’d just explode in the street, yelling as if I was deaf. One time he ended up breaking his cellular phone in half because he was so angry with me.

Deep down we were both trying to prove something to one another. Kevin was also in foster care, abandoned by his mother, and our relationship probably raised fears in him, too, that neither one of us could understand. We were driving each other nuts.

Hiding from My Feelings

Without feeling in control of our relationship, I could no longer feel comfortable having sex. But I didn’t tell Kevin because I didn’t think he would ever understand. I wasn’t even sure that I understood what I was feeling.

I especially didn’t want him to feel uneasy and worried around me, or to feel like I was accusing him of abusing me. I just wanted our relationship to feel the way it used to. I figured that my feelings would soon pass. Unfortunately, they didn’t.

Trying to hide how I felt, I sometimes ended up drinking to make it easier for me to not feel ashamed of doing things I didn’t want to do. Then, after a while, I started to feel like I didn’t care anymore about how I felt. I found myself saying, “All that matters is that Kevin loves me.”

Alone Without Him

I wasn’t sure what was going on with me. I had no grip. I’d lost the control I had longed for. And what had happened to my values and my self-esteem?

Plenty of times I wanted out but I felt I’d be lost without him in my life. At around that time, my sister and grandmother were both hospitalized for mental illness, and I was moved into a strange new foster home where no one cared about me and I had little contact with family or friends. I felt vulnerable and lonely.

Kevin kept me company and gave me support. But with no one else to lean on, I grew too dependent on him.

‘Where Did I Go Wrong’

Trying to find a way to repair the damage we both did, I spent hours thinking, “Where did I go wrong?” I tossed and turned at night feeling tormented by the control I felt he had over me. I hated myself for being so ridiculous. I wasn’t putting myself first. Everything revolved around Kevin.

How had I let things get so bad? I knew it wasn’t healthy. I thought to myself, “Can Kevin and I find a way to be together without our pasts getting in the way?”

I tried to be careful of the things I said around him to avoid the arguments, but sometimes I felt I had no choice but to go off. I told myself, “I refuse to repeat my childhood and accept disrespect from anyone.”

I guess Kevin felt the same way. He was just as concerned about getting his point across.

A Painful Break

After two years, he announced that he wanted “a break.” As much as I’d often longed for the same thing, I was furious and desperate. I spent hours over the phone trying to convince him to come back, but my pleas weren’t enough.

After several days, I figured I would win Kevin back by having sex with him again. That night, we both ended up drinking heavily—maybe because we both felt uncomfortable—and had sex. I felt miserable afterwards because Kevin didn’t immediately want to get back together. He said he still had feelings for me but the arguments were too much for him.

We decided to try to work things out, but to take things a bit more slowly. We both want to rebuild our trust in each other and stop fighting for control. I would like Kevin to be more considerate of my feelings and to understand that it hasn’t been easy coping with my past experience, and I would like to be able to do the same for him.

Trying to Rebuild

I’m trying hard to separate the past from the present. Kevin isn’t my father. Though we argue, Kevin does not intend to do harm to me. I need to stop exploding at every argument we have.

Kevin and I have been together for a long time, and I’m hopeful that we can both be more understanding and patient.

Lately Kevin and I have been doing a lot of talking and hanging out and going to the movies. We’ve found lots of other activities to do together rather than have sex. I enjoy the time we’re spending together because we’re learning more new things about one another, and I don’t have to feel pressure to have sex. I’m happy with the way things are now. I would like our relationship to remain this way until I feel ready for sex.

A Slow Recovery

I am aware that it may be a long time until I can recover from the abuse I went through. But I can also see how far I’ve come. I used to fear and hate all men. Now I date and socialize with them. I am learning that some men, including Kevin, can be trusted.

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