'That's My Son'

Mary Chancie adopted 16-year-old Timothy in November, 2003. Chancie is now a “shadow worker” for an organization called You Gotta Believe!, which recruits foster and adoptive parents for teenagers living in foster care. As a “shadow worker,” Chancie keeps in touch with four other parents who’ve taken in teens. She uses her own experience to help new families get along. Here’s her story:

By Mary Chancie

My son moved in just before Thanksgiving. It was a great time. He helped with the shopping and getting the house ready. I asked him, “What do you like to do for the holidays?” and he asked me the same thing. He didn’t have to wonder how it would be, he knew: we’d have macaroni, collard greens. We’d wake up, get dinner ready, and watch the parade on TV.

A Strong Bond

Before Christmas we got the tree. We were all excited. I think he actually saw what it was like to be in a family and be included in everything. He wanted—I was so shocked—to go shopping with my girlfriend and me. He was like the dutiful son, carrying the bags as we piled them on. I think he just wanted to see what kind of things I like to do, and if I’m somebody he really wants to be with.

I called my friends and said, “The new baby moved in.” They came over and saw a big old 16-year-old and said, “That’s the baby?” They took to him right away. He’s very charming.

His experiences in the past don’t seem to have affected the way he’s bonded with our family. This is his 14th placement. I thought, “He’s going to be shut down, he’s not going to open up, he does not even want to be here.” He has not shown that.

‘You Don’t Have to Leave’

He doesn’t really open up about the past, so I don’t ask. When he’s ready, he’ll tell me. I read his file, but it doesn’t really go into how he interacted with those families, or what those families were like. I wonder, “What did they do with you? Why did you have to move out? Was it them?”

I get the feeling he thinks it was his fault. When I have a problem with him, he says, “What did I do now?” Whenever I approach him about anything negative, he thinks he’s got to move. A few times he’s said, “Call the social worker. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

He’s thinking, “Let me get her before he gets me.” I told him, “Call her yourself.” It will take time for him to believe that if I’m displeased with his behavior, that doesn’t mean he has to leave.

He Calls Me ‘Mommy’

He still brings up this one time that I got really mad at him. He says, “I don’t know what was wrong with you. You went crazy!” I say, “I did. I don’t know what happened. I was just mad. I’m sorry.”

A couple of days later, he’ll be back to calling me “Mommy” and being very huggy huggy, kissy kissy. He’s very affectionate. He didn’t grow up with a mommy and part of him wants to be held, to be cuddled, and to have someone say, “It’s going to be OK,” and take him by the hand.

Other times he’s like, “I’m too old for this.” Sometimes he’s 5 years old, other times he’s 17. He’s so independent that sometimes it surprises me the ways he needs my help. He needs someone to advocate for him, to be in his corner.

‘That’s My Son’

Just recently he and I went on our first vacation. It was a youth leadership trip, and parents could come. I didn’t think he’d want me to come. But he said, “I don’t want to go by myself. I want you to come.”

back to top